To That Cloud
Today, I looked up at the sky.
When I really looked at this scene,
what caught my eye wasn't the roof.
It was the clouds.
The clouds weren't dark enough to become a storm,
but they weren't light enough to call it a clear day either.
They were somewhere in between.
Like a feeling that hasn't completely fallen apart,
but doesn't feel light anymore either.
I watched the light trying to make its way
through the gaps between the clouds
and thought about the past few days.
Days when I still woke up and went to work.
Still talked to people.
Still answered questions.
Still lived my life the same way.
So much so that other people might not have noticed
that something inside me was beginning to change.
Some things don't make a sound.
They don't ask anyone to notice them.
They simply build up quietly,
like clouds gathering in the sky.
One by one.
One by one.
Until one day,
I started to feel heavy.
Even though there was no storm.
Even though there was still light.
Even though today was supposed to be a day off.
I used to think there was always a reason for being tired.
But sometimes,
feelings don't explain themselves that easily.
Sometimes we just feel heavy
without knowing why.
Or maybe we already know,
but we're not ready to admit it yet.
So I kept looking at those clouds for a long time,
as if I were waiting for some kind of answer.
But in the end,
the clouds didn't answer me.
They just floated there.
Quietly.
As if they were saying
not every feeling needs an explanation right away.
Maybe some feelings just need a little space
to float in the sky for a while
before they turn into rain
or disappear on their own.
Like that cloud.
And like me.
I kept looking at that cloud for a long time,
as if I were waiting for it to tell me something.
When really,
maybe I was the one answering questions the whole time.
That feeling seemed to keep asking,
What are you thinking?
Or are you just refusing to admit it?
I didn't answer.
Just like every other time.
I kept living as usual.
Still waking up and going to work.
Still laughing at some things.
Still telling myself I was fine.
As if not talking about it
would somehow make it disappear.
But clouds don't disappear just because we don't look at them.
And feelings probably aren't that different.
The more I tried to ignore it,
the more it stayed there.
Quietly.
Until it became a shadow
hanging over an ordinary day.
And I started to wonder.
Maybe what was making me feel heavy
wasn't what was happening today.
Maybe it was something I'd known for a long time,
but still wasn't ready to admit.
I stood there looking at that cloud for a while longer,
as if I were waiting for myself to figure something out.
But in the end,
what pulled me back to reality
wasn't an answer.
It wasn't a realization.
And it wasn't the cloud.
It was my towel,
blown away by the wind.
I sighed
and looked up at the sky again.
Maybe life is just like this sometimes.
On days when we're trying to find meaning in how we feel,
the world throws something ordinary at us
that needs dealing with first.
Until sometimes,
I can't even tell
whether the heaviness I'm feeling
is because of my feelings,
or because I have to go downstairs and look for my towel
with no idea where the wind has taken it.
But even then,
I still kept looking at that cloud.
Because the missing towel
might have been nothing more than a coincidence.
But the feeling still floating inside me
was still there.
Just the same.
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